I couldn’t resist the “headline.” This film isn’t that bad but it’s nowhere near a “perfect game” either. I was tempted to call it Indians and Pirates but baseball fans would think it was an interleague game between Cleveland and Pittsburgh.
Million Dollar Arm (Jon Hamm, Suraj Sharma, Lake Bell, Alan Arkin, Aasif Mandvi, Bill Paxton, Madhur Mittal) – It’s one of those stories that is too good to be true if it hadn’t really happened … sort of. A sports agent, J.B. Bernstein, whose career is careening over a cliff, comes up with the idea of holding a contest in India to find a pro baseball prospect from among that nation’s cricket-obsessed fans.
A reel or two later, after a series of missteps and merry mix-ups, we have our two prospects. Dinesh and Rinku are Disney-perfect teens who can throw a ball fast but have no idea about America’s pastime (which itself is definitely “past” its heyday as America’s favorite sport). Act One ends when the boys come to Los Angeles. Deer in the headlights; don’t speak the language; fish out of water. Use whatever analogy you want.
We even have comic relief in the form of Amit (Pitobash), a young Indian who loves baseball, wants to coach it, and will work for free. He becomes the boys’ interpreter, which also makes him the audience’s link to the duo. One right-handed pitcher and one southpaw (that’s a left-hander for you football-only fans out there), they love pizza (which is all J.B. seems to feed them), television, and the girl next door, Brenda (played somniferously by the decidedly untalented Lake Bell). Brenda is a medical student (who in one scene can’t bandage a finger herself) who rents J.B.’s guesthouse. But the two don’t have a romantic relationship (guess how long THAT lasts?). She serves as the calm voice of the film.
Act Two is the lead-up to the boy’s try-out for a bunch of pro scouts, which is only made possible by J.B.’s enlistment of USC baseball coach, Tom House. House teaches the boys the game, how to use a baseball glove, where to position themselves, and how to tick off his real baseball team since the boys know none of the fundamentals and throw to first base like 50 Cent throws a ceremonial “first pitch.”
Anyway, the kids go up before the scouts in an ESPN-televised try-out in Tempe, Arizona, which (a) goes decidedly well, (b) is an absolute disaster, (c) causes an international incident or (d) wrecks baseball for all time (you pick). All I will reveal is that, by the end of the movie, the dynamic Indian duo is signed to contracts by my hometown team, the then-pathetic Pittsburgh Pirates (since, they actually has a winning season for the first time in more than 20 years and went to playoffs in 2013). You can read all about what has happened since then by searching Google.
John Hamm (Mad Men) is just fine as Bernstein. He is your typical all-business, money-grubbing Hollywood agent who, by the end of the movie, is redeemed, of course. Bell is that big-faced, marginally sexy character she always plays. Alan Arkin gets wasted as an ex-agent who goes to India with Bernstein and sleeps most of the time. Bill Paxton shows up as Coach House, and showing up is about all he does. The two Indian actors, Suraj Sharma (who starred brilliantly in Life of Pi) and Madhur Mittal (who appeared in Slumdog Millionaire), make believable neophytes who learn the alien sport.
Million Dollar Arm is no Million Dollar Baby or Slumdog Millionaire (apparently, all movies starring Indians must have Millionaire in the title). It is a likeable enough Disney movie with no bad language, no sex, and no drugs. Yes, you can take the kids. At my most generous, it is an enjoyable story with a predictable outcome that will appeal to baseball fans and families alike. In truth, it’s a sacrifice fly: pretty boring but it scores a run.